There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Admin smashed it 😂
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars