Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Was it something I said?

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

incredible

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.