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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air