Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

You sure about that?

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.