true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.