The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
You Might Also Like
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
me hooking up with my ex
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
my dog when i have a friend over
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.