Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Trying

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.