Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Aight bet
