My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
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No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Can you solve the riddle??
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Wait a second…
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Breaking news:
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for