“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
The Birdles
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!