No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
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Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
the short answer to this question
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
This is a true ally.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work