Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Interior designer.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

This is no longer winter this is harassment

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

ㅤ

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.