Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves