Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold