Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

Look Ma, no handle on things

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)