Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

How to find Kentucky on a map

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

put ‘er there pardner!

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.