Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??