[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
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Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I have a black belt in leather
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.