Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
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Look, a pure bread cat!
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I saw nothing
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣