I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
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However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Cardio Made Easy
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …