Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

LMFAOOOO

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

Finally

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever