my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
pizza
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.