‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
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[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.