the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy