Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

A male goth is called a broth.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”