Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.