‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
i’m so sick of this guy
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up