I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
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Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working