Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

ㅤ

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?