What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses