Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?