Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.