I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Ron is short for Aaronald
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no