Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

Well, that didn’t work.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves