Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!