Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees