MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
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(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
good work, everybody
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.