“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
go easy on yourself <3
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.