Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

same vibe as tangled headphones

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?