Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?

Me: Yes

S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy