all bases covered
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[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I try
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS