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Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’