When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
You Might Also Like
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Good morning.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I’m giving up for Lent.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…