Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.