Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Cat or sheep

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

“Why you watching this shit?”

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet