Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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I fucking love Gary Larson so much
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
yea so i messed up lol
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls