Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”