‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
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Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Muppet Screams
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.