Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’d use my best pan on you.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities