Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

The first matador

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.